yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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