dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
