i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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