how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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