even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
