Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
