I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
