I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
