I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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