Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
