She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
