I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize