why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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