great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
this beer tastes like vomit already
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My vagina is officially offended.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
