Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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