Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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