he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
