The maid of honor just puked.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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