Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
