Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
