If i come over, it means nothing
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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