my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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