I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
