I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Screwed.edu
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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