Barsexuality is the new black.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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