How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
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