And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
