Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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