I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
