I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
