I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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