I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
