Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How's work?
Spinning.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
