from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
