i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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