i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
