my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
