i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
