I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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