I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
