I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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