I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
