I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
