I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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