I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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