He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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