in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
