I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize