Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
