I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
