Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
