Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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