A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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