Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
