so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
