I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
