I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The beer is more important than you right now.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
