i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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