you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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