Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
