Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
