I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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