My liver just broke up with me...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
